I just came out of one of the most emotional adorations of my life. For you non-Catholics: adoration is a time that we get to pray in front of the Eucharist, that we believe is the true presence of Christ. It’s a beautiful time of prayer. I’m never really emotional during this time. But for some reason, I couldn’t hold it together. It was like all these epiphanies were hitting me at once. A guy that essentially broke my heart was there roaming around. It was like I looked at him and the thought came to my head that this is not the man you’re going to marry. It was one of the toughest things I had to come to terms with. I had all these dreams and hopes that he was the one. It was like all of these stars were aligning and everything was falling into place until it all fell apart. So that really hit me. Then the band plays this song with the words “Lord, I need You. Oh, I need You. Every hour I need You. My one defense. My righteousness. Oh God, how I need You.” As I was singing/praying these words, I just broke down. I’ve tried to do things by myself and not bother God with the silly things. I was strong enough. I could handle it. NOPE. I need Him more than I thought. I’ve been having a difficult time coming to terms with the fact that my grandmother is dying of cancer. This is probably our last Christmas with her. It breaks my heart. She’s like a parent to me. She helped raise me. She’s the reason I’m the person I am today. I hate asking people for help. My pride gets in the way a lot. The funny thing was the speaker gave a talk about humility. Ha! I never want to bother people with my problems. Everyone has their own crap going on. Why bother them with mine? But I kept praying these words and I could not stop the feels. So. Many. Feels. I left early because I just couldn’t be there anymore. I walked to the train in the pouring rain in silence, just reflecting. Today something beautiful happened. I surrender. I humbled myself like JP2 and Bl. Mother Theresa and that adorable Pope Francis. I think it’s the start of a beautiful advent. Advent is all about preparing the way for The Lord. I started with mass and a good confession. Now my heart is more open to His will, no matter how difficult it will be to face. It is well with my soul.
“Jesus still rose, so we will trust.”